A NEW LITURGY

December was rough. I came down with a bug that went from bronchitis to walking pneumonia and lasted for weeks. I spent a night in the ER when a case of vertigo threw me to the ground on a street in South Bend and kept me pinned down, puking till my stomach was empty and heaving after that. It took a few days for things to stop spinning. We got word that my grandmother was in her final days, about ready to give up the battle with alzheimer's that had been taking her slowly for years. And there was an investigation we had to undertake at church, with the senior management team spending long days looking into allegations against a teammate and friend of ours. 

One night, in the midst of all of that, just after we had delivered difficult news to our staff about our conclusions in that investigation, and as were delivering that same news to an auditorium filled with students and parents, I had a moment when my resolve cracked and a quiet voice inside said "it's not worth it." I felt that whatever satisfaction or fulfillment or significance I thought would be part of the life I've chosen didn't compare with the stress, frustration, and heartache that goes with the turf. The thought eventually subsided, but not before dealing a heavy blow to my morale.  

I woke up the next morning and grabbed my phone to check email. (Ordinarily that's not my habit — I try hard for email to not be the first thing I encounter in the day.  But I wasn't operating in normal mode during those few weeks.) Mixed in with the usual inbox load was an unexpected surprise from a friend. Aaron Niequist had sent me a link to his newest liturgy. 

For as long as I've known Aaron, he's been a dreamer and creator, prophet and pastor, a mentor to me both through the conversations we have (usually over gluttonous meals) and through the songs he writes.  I reached out to him years ago when I came on staff at Granger, feeling like I was in over my head and needing some help. Since then, I can't tell you how many times Aaron has helped me to lift my head above the waters around me to see something more beautiful and expansive than what was right in front of my eyes. Sometimes it's a different vision of what a worshiping church can look like. Other times it's a different perspective on the world our churches inhabit. Whenever I encounter Aaron or his work, I can count on being encouraged and challenged.  So when I saw the link for A New Liturgy, I made a mental note to check it out when I could find a break in the day. 

I took a quick shower and raced out the door to meet someone for breakfast, but he never showed, so I grabbed a seat at the counter and ate by myself. 

Perfect. 

I downloaded Blessed to Be a Blessing and listened with my earbuds while I ate. 

Something happened in the span of about 20 minutes. Through prayer and spoken word and, yes, great music, I went from tired and resigned to hopeful again. I felt myself breathing deeply again. Late in the liturgy, Aaron says "Maybe this would be a moment where we open up our hands and our hearts and just say 'God, I'm in. However it is that you want to use me to bring hope and healing to this world, I'm in.'" I had been slowly losing my capacity to pray that prayer for days (maybe weeks), and Aaron's New Liturgy - Blessed to Be a Blessing -- brought me back to that place.  

These new liturgies are more than songs.  In Aaron's words, they're holy space... a moveable, sonic sanctuary.  He and his crew have created short, portable journeys that create space for prayer and reflection mixed with moments when I unapologetically shout and dance in a way that only my roommates and my dog have ever seen.  

There's a credible hopefulness in these liturgies. They remind me of what story I'm living in, and they draw me into living it more deeply. I trust these liturgies the way I trust a good therapist -- I know they will ask questions of me that are difficult, that push me to uncomfortable places, but I also know those questions are trustworthy and part of a process that will grow me into maturity. Simultaneously my feet are grounded and my heart is lifted. I thought about going further to describe what Aaron has created, but I figured the best testimony I could give is to tell you about the profound impact it had on me.

Go here to see what Aaron is up to and download the liturgies for yourself. And if you do, I'd love to hear what you think.

Comments

[April Milam]

After reading your post this morning, I clicked on the link and opened up Blessed to be a Blessing. I had to laugh out loud at the irony. Let me explain.

I run an e-mail ministry called "Desktop Blooms". I fight with seasonal depression each winter and I try not to let it beat me. One winter I was sorting through my photos and found all the flower macros I'd taken that summer. The light, the color, they all put a smile on my face. After that I picked up my Bible for some much needed devotional time. By the time I was finished with both of those things, I felt restored. Winter blues banished. So, I opened my photo editor, pasted a verse I'd just read onto one of the photos and put it on my desktop. Looking at the image, I thought, "You know, mom would really like this." So, I emailed it to her. She called me shortly after and said, 'April, you've got to share this."

And so "Desktop Blooms" was born. Each Monday during the winter months, I send out an email with a new image with scripture or a prayer pasted on it. I usually create them a few weeks ahead of time. Care to take a guess at what next Monday's "Bloom" says?

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

You can see the image here, https://picasaweb.google.com/101763087141695089860/DesktopBlooms

I would say I found this prayer at a time when I really needed it. Felt encouraged by it. The weekend after I put this together was the weekend GCC started The Expo and I found out there was a photography team.

And now we've come full circle. The prayer, a renewed heart, a dream for something better, a call to serve, and here it is this morning..." Lord, make me an instrument of your peace." I love the way God weaves our life tapestry.

Thanks for sharing this, Jason. And if you like flower pics with your scripture, let me know and I'll add you to the mailing list.

Be His,
April

ps. Here a link to the rest of the gallery of past "Blooms". Enjoy!
https://picasaweb.google.com/101763087141695089860/DesktopBlooms